Walking my Sister Home, From Death to Life

I walked into the hospital room with a woman from a local fellowship in St. Louis, she picked me up at the airport and was bubbly and told me how much she had truly enjoyed her visits with my sister, her wit and charm, her goofy sense of humor that I knew so well. The church from our town had connected with a fellowship down there and volunteers went to see my sister a few times a week...what a treasure to me. We were from NY and I came because the hospital called our local fellowship...time was of the essence, the church called me at work, bought me a ticket and had me on a plane. The bubbly woman was now driving me to see my sister. Her conversation was a pleasant distraction, her smile and obvious affection for my sister comforted me.My thoughts were more urgent, I just needed to be by her side...that's all I could process, I was still not touching her or hearing her...seeing her, Traci, my baby sister, 21 years strong, and needing me and I her.

A sharp gasp came from my bubbly companion,  tears filled her lovely face, she was somewhat horrified by my sisters appearance. She had seen her only 5 days prior, since then her kidneys had shut down, and liver, she was drowning in her own body fluids. Her body now swollen, eyes completely bloodshot...I mean deep red, all but her lovely, warm brownish hazel eyes...cow eyes, we called them in her youth, lovely large warm pools of sunshine, humor and attitude, almost unrecognizable now...but, after I saw a flurry of blond hair leave the room in tears, I took a breath and smiled, love filling every part of me, need led me to her.

Traci was apologizing that she was too lazy to greet me with a sheepish grin..it was our way, humor, silly banter, laugh or you'll explode from sorrow. "Hey Bunky!" I cheerfully chimed as I cruised to her bedside, she smiled, she was SO happy to see me. We chatted as we always did, how the staff was, how the food was, how ugly her gown was. Her speech was a little slower, her usual quick witty responses were a little slower and thick...but yes, still funny...she got that from me (that's what I always told her).

I tried to drink in every moment with her,  a nurse came in, apparently my blonde friend had notified someone, I don't recall seeing her again, I may have, I have no recollection of it. A nurse checked on her, taking her pulse and asking her questions and also letting me know they would be in often, she was being monitored  regularly and often, I'm sure she told me the intervals, I was more interested in my sister, every sound, every squeeze of our now unified hands, every flutter of the eye, every bit of humor and ease she was still trying to comfort me with, so her; thinking of my ease.

The nurse left the room.

"I'm so tired", she said, "so tired of fighting." She seemed almost disappointed in herself.

I moved around to the other side of her bed,I smiled and found a patch for myself next to her between the wires and tubes, no small task, I looked at her, my heart brimming with so much tender affection for her with a Peace and Strength that was beyond me. I said, "Just rest now, let me fight for a while, I am here."
She let out a big sigh and smile and gripped my hand and drifted off to sleep. My gaze swept over her, this shape of her, mystified even now at her countenance, she had a pleasant face...I held her hand tight. Within minutes a monitor signaled and a team rushed into the room. I instinctively moved myself out of their response space and watched, staying calm, to be calm, in case she looked at me...I wanted to show her Peace. Her lungs were failing, they needed to take her to another room for to put her on life support.
"Can I come?" I asked...not wanting for us to be apart. We had been separated in different foster homes when we were little, that feeling came surging back...don't make us be apart. I just want to be with her.
"No." the nurse tried to comfort me...it is very difficult to see all the tubes, wires, needles...she was talking about all this stuff and I just wanted to be there, so she's not alone... "It is a difficult thing to watch".
"I don't care about that" I insisted.

"Please, we will get things done quicker, we need to go now". she gave my arm a squeeze I seem to remember and turned...my eyes and ears were only for my sister now though.
Breathe, have Peace...breathe....breathe, Oh God, be with us...my baby sister can't breathe.

As they were wheeling her out of the room, she pulled herself halfway up and shouted my name. They stopped for a moment, "I'm here!" I declared determined for her to know I would always be there.
"I love you!" she turned and looked at me with a breathy shout, she fell back on the bed, exhausted.
"I love you too!"...she was out the door, I watched the door, her words in my head... in my soul.
My mother and sister were driving from Charlotte, I sat in the room alone. I went to the nurses station and asked when I could see her, it could be up to an hour, she would get me, she was going to ICU.
"Where's the chapel?" I inquired. I had to get alone with God.

Cancer, we had only had that word invade our lives 10 months earlier. She was young, odds were good, she was strong, healthy, a good candidate for whatever they threw at her 20 year old body. Optimism was high, we'd been through foster homes and abusive situations, we were fighters, we were undaunted, forged ahead wanting this to all be behind us. We had no idea.

We had been roommates for the last year and a half, I had been singing on tours, so I was in and out of town. One phone call I received from her on the road she simply asked me to come home, I told the group I was singing with I had to go home, this was not good news but I KNEW in my heart it was the next step. I was home with Traci, got a job I loved being a goldsmith apprentice and went home to a shared space with my bestie. We had so much fun though, my goodness we would make each other laugh like sillies, for reasons we could not explain, having a hard time breathing, laughing so hard, dashing to the bathroom & laughing harder as we watched the physical demise of too much funny. We cooked together, shopped together, had broken hearts together. We had evenings of chocolate and sappy movies. She always watched over me and my impulsive sometimes reckless ways like a mother hen...doting, protective, I was always too trusting...she was cautionary. It worked for us, I helped her be brave and step out of her shell, she tried to knock sense into me.

I had left our singing group a few months before we knew she had health issues. .I had a hard time leaving but knew in my heart, beyond all explanation, I needed to be home. The answer came later.

Flu like symptoms that wouldn't go away, breathlessness, sensitivity to the sun, Dr.s prescribed things to no avail. We had always been pretty hearty, rarely ill...fatigue was new to us, sleepiness, new, rash to the sun? we were outdoor waterbabies and adventurers, this was new.

When we heard the news, even the Dr.s were optimistic. Success rate was high with this type, n' all that.
I also knew how to pray, I believed in the extraordinary, I had seen miracles, I had seen lives change connected to prayer and the power of Christs name. I was no stranger. He and I talked,  He told me things. I also knew people that knew how to pray. I was not afraid because I knew someone greater, this was not a newsflash to Him, nor was He shaking in His boots regarding any of this.

So to prayer I went.

I started with promises, He had said, like"By my stripes you are healed" and "Ask anything in my name, in faith and it shall be accomplished." I had a full arsenal of promises I held onto and brought to my own Spirits remembrance. Each time, I would feel this stirring in my heart that said to simply pray for her Peace. Thinking he had a surprise up His sleeve for us in this I would start praying for her Peace and then I would get flooded with Peace as well. Confirming to my heart this indeed was the way to pray.

She would feel so ill and tired after treatment...after a few days then...her spark would come back. I look back at us, we were so young, I am embarrassed at how much more I could've helped her. My mom and sister were in Charlotte, my grandmother didn't check in...so glad for a church fellowship that had folks check in on us...I was 23, I thought I handled it pretty well..but really other than being a shoulder and support, don't feel like I handled much at all. I felt helpless, I couldn't stop the nausea or try to find herbs and such to help...they interfered with treatment or something.

One day sitting in our living room I heard her let out a horrified scream. I raced up to her room,  tears in those big doe eyes of hers,  a mass of hair in her hand and in her brush and a wide swath of scalp along the side of her once thick wavy dirty blond hair. We cried together, then she did it again, we started laughing..she asked me if I wanted to do it...in truth, yes, it was too crazy, I was also the one who normally cut and styled her hair, I knew the feel of these thick German locks, it was surreal, running your fingers through to have the hair stay in your hand. We laughed and cried, made faces, did silly voices and cried and hugged. We filled her waste basket and I declare, she was one of the most beautiful bald ladies I have ever seen; her skin glowing, her eyes now consumed her face and that crazy smile. She was beautiful in every way.

Again I would pray for her healing, again "Pray for her Peace." I felt that God was saying to me, in my heart I told myself, "not yet", "no healing YET", always hoping for the surprise victory.

on it went.

The cancer which had at one point regressed was now on an assault mission, it was not responding, she could end treatment and prepare to die or agree to experimental treatment and even if she didn't save her own life...might save another life down the road. She would go to St. Louis...she would be away from us. We sat on our couch, I pulled her head to my lap and we cried.

She asked me to be the executrix of her estate, I marveled and asked why,  it was more for medical reasons. She laughed and said,"You're the only one I trust to pull the plug."

Jokingly I teased, "You got THAT right!" and a nudged her, cringing inside.

She went on to explain, "Mom will act brave until its decision time and won't be able to do it, and Candi will keep me on life support forever waiting for a cure, even if I'm brain dead. You know I don't want to live on machines, when I'm gone, let me go. Will you do this for me?"

I agreed to her request, I tried to be funny, so did she. Gravity caught us in that moment and we just held hands, as we often did since our youth.

Now, I am in the chapel, I am going to get this sorted out with God.

I start declaring His promises, I am telling Him how now I see, for with man it's impossible, but with God nothing is impossible. People up and down the east coast are praying for her, all the more His fame all the more His Glory, telling Him now I see why He waited, for this was truly momentous and no one but God could get the Glory.
I felt He said to me that He had nothing to prove to anyone, did he just not hear my sales pitch?! I get it now, and YES, why of course all the more renown for His name would be a glorious thing.
Gently He said, "Kelly, pray for her peace..."

"You can't mean this!!!" I shouted angrily. "You can heal her! It's nothing for you to do this!" I was combative, hurt, crumbling inside.

God.

please.

"I need her Home, she loses nothing, this is me, I am in this." His tone was a comfort beyond what words can describe.

I sobbed for a while, letting go, I prayed for her Peace and His Peace and flooded over me once again.
I walked back to her room, my mom and sister came within minutes,we cried and embraced, the nurse came and told us she was in ICU and we could go in.

We sat around her bed, my baby sister, with tubes and wires, monitors.

Traci kept trying to tell us something, this haunted my older sister for years. I, however, just wanted to be with her...each minute a gift. she slipped into a coma within a short time, clocks and time were irrelevant then.
My older sister would tell her she was gonna get better and that would be going back home soon and such.  This would elevate my baby sisters heart rate, nurses would come and ask my older sister if she needed some air or coffee, whenever she started talking Traci's heart rate would go up again and set their monitors off. My mother would joke for years my older sister managed get my sister riled even when she was in a coma. They always had such a volatile relationship. We were wild children, prone to fist fights and my mom, and sisters could really go at it, I was usually the one with sarcasm on the sidelines or go for a walk to hear quiet flood me and leave them in their mayhem. My mother and older sister went at it most though, my sister retained bitterness from abusive foster parents and other abuses from our childhood. Somehow all that came around to the bed where only peace and loving thoughts should remain. It wouldn't quite be us though without some ruffling.

The Doctor in charge called us in his office.

He explained "life support" and asked my mom what she wanted to do, she looked at him and started crying, "I can't do it, she's my baby."

My older sister interjected and postured that if Traci was on life support, maybe after some time had passed, perhaps they will have found a cure, and maybe we weren't giving life a chance.

I smiled inside, it was exactly how she described it. I shook my head, she could always make me smile.
The doctor asked who the executrix was, I stepped forward, he was trying to size me up, "How old are you?"

"24"

"I hate to ask you this it's a big decision on your shoulders." I brushed his kindness aside, compassion will break me right now, breathe, soldier time.

"Pull the plug" I stated it firmly and resolutely.

"Are you SURE? It's a big decision for someone so young." He was being so kind, "Keep your resolve girl!", I thought to myself

"She already made the decision, I'm simply honoring it." done. breathe. Mom took my hand. I couldn't look at anyone. Not at the moment.

They would be bringing her back to her room, Though it would be a while I went back to wait after a quick stop. My mom and older sister went for coffee and a cigarette break. It was a lot for each of us in different ways.
I went to the chapel and cried, His Peace wrapped around me like armor.. an armor that carried me for weeks to come.

I went back to the room and waited, they wheeled her in. She was in a coma now; I knew she knew I was there. I sat there interlacing her fingers with mine, wishing she could squeeze my hand again...but so glad to be near her, feeling her skin and the comfort of knowing that soon her ordeal would be over and gravity would have no more hold on her.

My mom and sister came in, we sat around her bed, Candi and I attached to each hand, listening to the heart monitor and the air machine, bringing oxygen as long as the heart was willing.
I sat there for a while and realized my mom and sister had fallen asleep, such a long sleepless drive. Candi fell asleep folded over the bed and over Traci's legs....almost like she was trying to cover her with invisible wings...breathing deeply. My mother asleep in the chair very near, like a statue, still sitting up but asleep.
I took this opportunity to whisper in my sister's ear, just her and me, like it so often was.
This story unfolded before my eyes while I spoke it, it drew me in. It was like I was describing what I was seeing more than making up a story.

We had a place Traci and I, we would walk, take pictures, explore for treasures lost in time. Some old houses and foundations of houses would capture our minds on this walk. and where the rutted road turned into a grown over and forested path, at that point we would turn around, But, not today, I softly told her, today we forge on.
I continued softly in her ear, I described what I saw. As we kept walking on this pathway, the forest was flooded with this mysterious luminosity, that emanated from within itself somehow, it was more alive than alive. As we walked my sister became radiant too, her skin and eyes, then her hair...was a radiant as in her youth when her foster parents kept it long with ringlets, now it was literally glowing more radiantly golden then in her youth, I expressed this with awe to Traci, for it was stunning to behold. The forest before us on the path was bursting with light through the leaves and I saw shapes, like people moving, comforting as we got closer. It felt so embracing, like home...Home - Home, such a familiarity beyond description, like this is where I'm meant to be, Traci was almost hard to look at now because of the dazzling light coming forth from her. I was aware of Jesus there, welcoming her. The smile on His face and warmth of His eyes toward her...I WANTED her to be there, His presence and hers together was simply overwhelming in it's beauty and she had no fear. I told her it was her turn to comfort me now, because I have to go back, and this is where I long to be; but, God would send the comforter I told her, I leaned in to touch her face and I told her not to worry,  it was going to be okay, I was going to be alright...she went flatline that very moment.
She was free.
I had a wisp of the air of Heaven, I had tasted a moment beyond time, I had the honor of walking her Home.

Copyright WarriorBridePublications 2014